When are you going to have kids?
When do you have kids? Are you pregnant? When will you start a family? Are you planning on getting pregnant this year? Are you having a baby? Why don’t you have any children yet? You have a big flat, and you should fill it up with kids. When are you having a second child? Your baby will soon need a sibling.
I have been asked these questions multiple times, and I have successfully resisted the urge to respond with violence. I have been asked these questions by people I barely know, people I have only seen once, folks I meet once in a blue moon and people I encounter daily. Only a few people have asked me if a child is part of my life plans, a more appropriate and discreet approach. My closest friends had never expressed any curiosity on the matter. When they did, it was after ensuring I felt comfortable disclosing my thoughts and opinion on this eminently delicate subject.
Society seems entitled to discuss women’s plans on reproduction freely. People have been assuming that I want children since probably my mid-twenties. I am a woman, who seems healthy and is in a relationship. Therefore, what else but a child? It has certainly to be part of my life. It has to be what I want or need in order to fulfil my purpose in life as a woman. Strange enough, I rarely see men being asked the big question. Because apparently, to bring a child into life is solely a female business or duty, right?
People ask these questions innocently without realising the gravity or impact they have on others. They try to do chit-chat or are just nosy. Many lack sensitivity and know no boundaries. Others think it is fun to ask such intimate things, in a carefree way.
These questions are highly personal
and motherhood is a sensitive topic
for most women.
They always made me feel awkward and uneasy. But when I was younger, I could not pinpoint the exact root of my discomfort; I was just smiling or answering naively. I was unaware that such inquiries could be painful and hurt to hear.
What if I do not want children? Meaning that I intentionally decide not to birth any babies because I deny the grave responsibility of raising children? Shocking as it may sound, my focus in life can differ from raising human beings, without this preventing me from loving them. I might feel absolutely content being a dog mother, and that’s the closest to motherhood I could get. Which I undoubtedly find totally awesome.
What if I have been trying for a long time to get pregnant with no success so far?
What if I face a severe health problem that rules out pregnancy?
What if I am infertile?
What if I just had a miscarriage? Or lost a child?
What if I suffer from childhood trauma?
What if I don’t like children?
There are numerous creative responses to ‘When are you going to have children’ that vary from being polite to it-is-not-your-f*cking-business kind. You just choose the one that fits your mood and mentality better! Once, I responded to this awfully annoying and indiscreet person that I would send him an announcement by post to break the news of my pregnancy. He felt absolutely awkward, and I felt utterly satisfied. Honestly, in similar instances, one can let their creativity go wild.
We need to understand that it is not ok asking women when they will become mothers without bearing in mind all the above factors. There are plenty of appropriate ways to pose these questions and express interest in the matter, with sensitivity and consideration. So, let’s everyone mind their own business.
